lessons & what not to do post break-up

this one’s for the girls!!!!!!

six months post-breakup, somewhere between grief and rebirth

what i’m glad i did:

• leaning on trusted girlfriends who didn’t shame me for the depths of grief i was experiencing.

• pouring myself into work - into something reciprocal, something nourishing the new life i was creating. i found my own beach home/healing sanctuary after moving out of our shared house, and i kept progressing in my career, and focusing on small wins that were mine.

• feeling all of my feelings. i didn’t bypass a thing. even if i had wanted to, i couldn’t - it cracked me right open.

• eventually going back to dance class as it brought pure joy back into my life

• taking care of my health, physical and mental: therapy, journaling, scream therapy lol. i didn’t pressure myself to continue the morning runs i had become devoted to, because my body gave out and became lethargic. i didn’t shame myself for how sedentary i was, and only went on walks when i truly felt like it, and let my body (which started to break down after i developed an autoimmune condition from the chronic stress/shock) rest

• sooooo much therapy. and most recently i completed a 3 month course on inner/outer union, which was such a gift to learn from a married couple i deeply respect and trust.

• journaling every day like my life depended on it - and honestly, the health of my psyche did. i did not hold back letting all of the conflicting emotions pour out of me, so at least they would swirl less in my brain - of the impossible task of trying to make sense of something that could not logically be made sense of

• george, my english bulldog, was an angel and grounding presence through it all.

• not even looking at another man for over half a year. i swear, i became immune - invisible - to the opposite sex.

it took me six months before i even spoke to another man. it happened organically on a work trip in mexico. i told him what the last half a year had been like, and what i was still healing from. when we eventually kissed, i let him know he was the first since my ex. and after that kiss, i started crying.

he held me so tenderly, told me my tears were beautiful - and he meant it. that moment softened me. just being allowed to feel what was rising… without shame or judgment. and, because there was no resistance, the feelings moved through me quickly.

but here’s the truth: i wasn’t ready for intimacy. even though he was emotionally attuned and kind, my trust walls were still so present.

a year and a half later, i’m finally starting to feel grounded again. it took time. and it took finally going no contact. which leads me to…

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what i wish i’d done differently:

• gone no contact right away: that year of on-and-off communication only deepened the betrayal wound. it was psychological torture trying to integrate someone into my life who was the deepest pain i’d ever known. i kept reopening a wound that hadn’t even begun to scab. there’s so much truth to the no contact rule. i definitely prolonged my grief by clinging on.

• cut ties with mutual friends who still supported him: being in proximity to people who chose neutrality (or his side) was a constant reminder of the pain. and ultimately, those friendships ended anyway - because they couldn’t acknowledge or validate what had happened.

• and about no contact: i’ve heard every excuse for why “they still need to be in your life.” i said all of them myself, but after trying every possible path, let me be clear: even if they have good qualities, even if your connection is ‘beyond words’, even if your souls feel bonded in the stars -if they gambled all of that for ego, self-preservation, or selfishness - at the expense of your wellbeing - it negates everything else.

and, with enough time, those “good” qualities and what you ultimately settled for will look laughable.

if they gambled your heart, your trust, the sacredness of your deeply loving soul, they should never have access to you again.

if you’ve ever battled addiction, you’ll understand this:

it’s like knowing the substance is killing you, but feeling like you can’t live without it. at some point, you either get sober, or it continues to ruin your life.

cutting contact is like that.

i’ve said my peace. moving on…

• i spent too much energy worrying about his healing: i felt his grief, his pain, tracked it like it was mine. i’d get psychic downloads about how he could align and heal through this, and i’d share them with him.

and while he received them with reverence, he never took action (that i saw at least).

we cannot force people to feel/heal, get into therapy, or to take radical accountability. it’s not our job. especially not when that person was the perpetrator.

we cannot heal in the environment that destroyed us.

he doesn’t get access to this healed version of me: he doesn’t meet the minimum requirements for entry into my queendom.

• i wish i had left sooner: it took me over three months from the first betrayal to actually leave. (we had a short breakup in between - where i eventually took him back) but more betrayals were revealed (always through my intuition and sleuthing), never his honesty.

  even up to the very last moment,

  when i asked him point-blank if he had cheated this other time,

  he looked me in the eye and swore to God he hadn’t.

  unfortunately, i had proof, yet again

  and that’s when i finallyyyyyyyyyyyy left for good.

those months of back and forth torture are time i can’t get back.

my new rule is: one significant trust violation - you’re removed from my life. take from that what you will, girls.

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all that to say, i haven’t had a relationship since, and i’m proud of that.

i didn’t run into the arms of someone else in an attempt to take away my pain, or make me feel chosen.

i finally chose myself. fully

i’ve done so much work to become the woman i am now: strong, confident, expressed. i’ve built a beautiful life, with loyal friendships, an expanding social life, hobbies, creative outlets…

and so much of it was nurtured post-breakup. i came into my own power. i healed so much betrayal and attachment wounding. my mental health has never been stronger.

so… i’m ready to fuck around and find out

(jk… kind of.)

i can feel myself getting ready to open my heart to the possibility of romantic love. but truly - i’ll tread lightly in the dating world. i’ll take my time. i’ll listen deeply.

and i’ll value the feedback from my inner circle. i trust God and my intuition above all else, but i also want the people i trust to feel good and safe with whoever i date. no rose colored blinders this time.

i’m at peace knowing my ex wasn’t my person; he’s not capable of being the partner i deserve - or the father of my future children. and if i met him today, i wouldn’t give him a second glance.

that’s not cockiness. that’s self-worth. he couldn’t get the woman i am now.

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to anyone going through a breakup right now: i honor the season you’re in.

and yes - your world might be ending. but that ending can become the initiation into a more beautiful life than you ever imagined.

grief is gnarly. this breakup journey broke me open.

but i wouldn’t trade who i am now for anything.

if you can surrender to the pain…if you let it crack you open…you will feel your soul again. you will feel God. you will feel your heart still beating.

and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

that light? it’s your future self - guiding the way toward the strongest, truest version of you.

so, let the grief annihilate you

and then rise 

like the phoenix, you came here to be

if you’re going through it and you have one safe person, confide in them. if you’ve found a stranger online whose words feel like home, let that remind you: 

you are not alone. 

this too shall pass. (but!!! only if you pair time with your healing work:)

and if you just take one thing from this, my girl-

for the love of God, cut off contact.

seriously.

i am screaming this to you over the internet!!!!!!!!!

(lol… but also not lol.)

yesterday i read this post from Ailey Jolie, a somatic psychologist who shared a deeper dive on the science behind betrayal wounds and its impact on our nervous systems. highly recommend reading it!!!!